


It Doesn't Matter

by josiemoone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys In Love, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, Friendship/Love, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-01-16 22:59:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12352296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josiemoone/pseuds/josiemoone
Summary: Flashes of moments throughout Sirius and Remus’ years together, both of them attempting to remind the other that it simply doesn’t matter.





	It Doesn't Matter

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: A huge thanks to the Mods for running this fest and to my beta PD for working tirelessly with me to make this wonderful.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong entirely to JKR. 
> 
> This piece was written for the Sirius Black Fest 2017 on Livejournal, thank you so much for letting me be a part of this.  
> Prompt #2: Sirius finds out that Remus is a werewolf, and shows his friend that no matter how many times he tries to push him out of his life, that their friendship (or love) is too strong to be broken.

**It Doesn't Matter**

* * *

Sirius was sat at the end of the hospital bed. He glanced at the new scars, and the old, his eyes scanning his friend, wrapped in the sheet of this bed. His friend who is troubled with a secret he doesn't think he can share, with people he doesn't think will understand.

Except, Sirius knew exactly what his friend was hiding. It took him a while, but now he knew, everything else clicking into place with things he couldn't understand before suddenly making sense.

Remus shuffled in his sleep, his fringe falling and covering his eyes as he let out a gentle sigh. Sirius watched him carefully, wishing with all his might that he could heal the boy in the bed — the boy who carried far too much suffering all by himself.

"He's a werewolf," Sirius thought to himself, "He's a werewolf, _but_ he's also my friend. My best friend. My wolf friend. My friend."

He didn't move even as Remus began to groan. Either the pain was returning or a nightmare was growing. Sirius didn't care which it was, he felt a need to end it — knowing it had to be stopped.

Their hands met by accident, but Sirius couldn't deny how right it felt. His thumb circling Remus' scarred hand, and he tried to ignore the thump of guilt over the fact it had taken him so long to notice.

"Si-Sirius?" Remus mumbled, his tone was wrapped in panic, but sleep deprivation coated it in softness. "Wh-what you doing here?"

"Do you grow fur in the moon, Remus?"

It sounded barbaric, odd and quite humorous, but asking him directly was frightening. Sirius didn't want to be frightened of the truth, and he didn't wish his friend to be frightened either. Making a joke out of the situation was all he could cope with, and he hoped Remus understood that.

"Do you get big teeth, and –"

Remus swallowed. "Y-you know?"

Sirius shuffled in his seat, smirking as his confidence returned after his realisation. "Nearly the top of my class, if I put my mind to it."

Remus tried to pull his fingers from Sirius', but struggled against the hold. "You shouldn't be here, you should be s-scared of me-e."

"Moony," Sirius smiled, happy that he'd come up with a nickname so quickly. "You drink breakfast tea and read the newspaper, _front to back._ The only thing I've ever been scared of is how quickly you are growing old. You're twelve, not… twenty." He heard a snort of laughter. Short, tired, but powerful.

"You also have a billion jumpers, and you're a chocolate monster," Sirius continued. "Apologies if I'm not hiding under the bed from you. Plus, I care about you. You don't give up on people you care about. It doesn't matter what you become, you're Remus. My friend. My _Moon-friend_."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Sirius tried to pull them back. They were too emotional, too needy. They were boys, not girls; they didn't share feelings like that, they kept them bottled up until they exploded or drank too much — not that either of those situation had been experienced by him.

His mother had always told him that gentleman didn't reveal their hearts, that was for girls or for boys who were pansies. Sirius struggled with the memory; his mother's harsh eyes that he had hoped one day would soften when she stared at him, but they never did. He would always been a disappointment, just because he felt more than the rest of his family. He felt guilt, sorrow, and love more than any of them could comprehend. By their standards, he was weak.

The other boy tried to grin, his forehead frowning at the pain of his attempt. "Hiding under the bed… it's the worst thing you can do."

"Do tell, my wolfy friend," Sirius said, snapping back to the present as he adjusted on the bed. Remus smiled before shuffling over, his eyes darting to the space beside him. Sirius was confused.

"You…?"

"Lie down, fool," Remus whispered as Sirius did as he was told. "Monsters hide under the bed, so hiding there yourself will make you monster food."

Sirius chuckled against him, looking into the eyes of his friend — eyes Sirius knew had seen too much pain. Pain he wished he could erase.

"I'd be your food any day," he grinned, not realising the implication of his for some years at least.

* * *

_I'm a monster._

_I'm scared of myself._

_I could kill someone._

_I nearly did kill someone._

They were words that held the weight of so much more than a statement. They were life-changing, relationship-breaking, image destroying words. He attempted to tell himself that they'd bring him comfort by being spoken, except, even as he spoke them, he knew that wasn't true. There was no comfort for the damned, and he was damned for sure.

Ever since that first bite, he had become cursed; the darkness hung around him, infecting upon those he cared about, like his mother who had become ill, and his father who had become resentful. Now, even Sirius was changed, had become more angry, more impulsive, more reckless.

To open up to him about how Remus truly felt would mean pulling down the walls that he had been busy building since his heart thrust out of his chest in Sirius' direction. It would bring them closer, but it could also pull them Remus knew a lie was worse. Lies were the something that Sirius couldn't get past. Even the little ones, _the white lies_ , would twist inside of the man and make him distrustful, make him feel anger and hate — and it didn't matter who spoke them.

"I'm a werewolf," Remus whispered again, his green eyes washing over the mirror as he avoided his own gaze.

There was no confidence to his voice, because he had no confidence in himself that this would work; nothing could make this easy because nothing _was_ easy. Saying it out loud didn't make it easier to face, and ignoring it didn't make it go away.

Remus allowed his shoulders to sink as he ran his hands over his face, feeling the dry skin of sleepless nights and the scars of hard years. He remembered very faintly, even in his early years, hating the moon in all his transformations, but finding great comfort in the stars. The twinkling lights that would guide him to morning — to safety. Remus also remembered Sirius lay in his bed, whisky on his lips and his faint sobs at how he had stared at the moon, hoping that someone would save him from his mother.

Then their eyes met, and it dawned on him exactly as the sun set through their dormitory window. They were each other's saviour, the moon and stars respectfully. Remus found a small amount of comfort in it, before the wolf told him that he was foolish.

The moon couldn't save Sirius; the moon was the one who would destroy it — because the man in the moon was Remus. Trapped forever, living alone, a beast glamorised by the darkness. The moon was who he feared, so there was no way he could be that for someone else — he couldn't be bold or bright in the darkness, he was a coward who hid in the depths, transforming into the slave of the fullest lunar phase.

It didn't matter that he loved Sirius. In this scenario, love wouldn't save them, it would only make it hurt more. The shards of their relationship would pierce holes in him, just as he was about to with his confession.

"I'm sorry, Moony."

"I'm a werewolf," Remus said without zest, confidence, or try. The words simply rolled from his lips, sounding as easy as breath but felt as difficult as swallowing with a dry throat.

Sirius moved over to him, hesitant at first and more purposeful as he gained traction. "I know that, and I'm sorry –"

"I'm a _monster_ , Sirius."

"No, Moony," Sirius said quickly, assertively. His body dropping to his knees in front of him, hands scrambling for his scarred fingers. "I'm so _sorry._ I was blinded by anger, by stupidity."

Remus closed his eyes, hoping to fend of the tears that wanted to crash down and drown their love. It had been bittersweet being happy, being content.

"I can't see you anymore, Sirius," Remus pulled his hands-free from him, "I can't hurt anyone, especially not you."

Sirius grunted, almost a groan and a sigh, with a layer of anger. "Remus, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter what you are, I don't see it, okay? I –"

Remus stared into his eyes, purposefully, darkly, but also apologetically. A mix of many emotions, but none settling the man before him. "I _can't_ see you anymore, and it _does_ matter."

He lay down before the man could protest. His side meeting the mattress, and his eyes clenched shut as tears broke. He didn't listen to Sirius stand, or the shuffle of his feet. Remus just clenched the sheet beneath him, covering his mouth until he heard the door of the dormitory click shut.

"I'm a monster," Remus sobbed into his hand covered sheet. His body rocking slightly in the bed. "And I am a werewolf."

* * *

Their voices had reached new volumes. The anger that had wound itself around normal words, punching its way into the soul of the two men who danced around their feelings. Neither Sirius or Remus could see it, the pulse in their necks when they were close, the blush on their cheeks or even hear the hammering of their hearts.

Sirius saw Remus, scared of him for what he had done; Remus saw confident Sirius who pitied him. Neither could shake the image they had of the other, even if both were untrue.

Until Sirius acted like himself. Reckless and impulsive Sirius, who silenced Remus with hands on his cheeks and his soft, gentle lips against Remus' cracked, harsh, wounded ones. The breeze seized in its path, the birds silenced and their hearts slowed so they could beat as one, rushing blood through their bodies that turned their cheeks red and their body with adrenaline.

Remus opened his eyes wide as Sirius' lips let go, their mouths so close together they could feel each other's breath and see stars in the eyes of the other.

"You… _kissed_ me?" Remus murmured, half surprised with a smile.

Sirius shrugged. "I did."

"But…my…you–you shouldn't have done that," Remus muttered, pushing him away.

Sirius, however, only gripped tighter, pulling him back by his cheek and hair, the other gripping his shoulder as he held their eyes in place, their hearts as close as they could be.

"Smartest kid in our class, and too thick to notice that I _don't care_. Literally, figuratively, every fucking thing, Moony. I don't care. Okay? It doesn't matter. It's never mattered," Sirius said, his fingers clutching at skin and jumper. "Just… kiss me. If you want to kiss me, then just fucking kiss —"

Remus cut him off, pressing his cracked lips against the soft ones that he had stared at far too often. His body pushed against Remus', wishing the two could merge and fall to the grass, allow the autumn leaves to halo around them.

* * *

The newspaper. It was a paper filled with lines and pictures that painted a story that didn't need to be told. Sirius watched him, eagerly, anticipating a fallout of some kind, any kind. There wasn't any for a moment or two, a thick silence hanging over the four friends like a storm that was ready to crash down.

Remus folded the paper carefully, applying his usual pressure of sliding his palm over to ensure it stayed folded; a perfect crease being created between the news of the world. No one other than the Marauders and Lily noticed that the aura around him was different, but Sirius felt it. It was deeply set in his bones and it made him ache all over. His heart anxiously wanted to be thrown up out of his mouth and meet Remus' in the hope of calming him, steadying him to see not all was lost.

Sirius waited tentatively, breathing slowly, unsure if the air around him would evaporate, and the Great Hall would shatter under the tension that Remus was breathing out thick and fast. Everything felt different; even the cheer that usually came with breakfast felt heavy and uncomfortable, and Sirius needed it to needed it to fix itself because he had spent an entire summer like this before he had gone to the Potters', and he didn't want to watch Remus fall apart or suffer like he had.

He didn't want him to suffer as he had done. Sirius couldn't watch him break because he wasn't sure if he could put him back together as perfectly as he was right now.

The moment he waited for — the moment the entire table seemed to now be waiting for, as they had picked up on the tension — suddenly came. When it happened it was far worse than Sirius' imagination could predict and it was more horrific than he ever thought it could be — than _any_ / of them expected.

Remus stood from the bench, and his eyes changed from bright green to a shade that wasn't recognisable as anything other than black. The tiny porcelain bread plate hovered slightly before Remus took it in his hand and frisbee'd it right into the table; tiny pieces of the plate shattering down the table.

"Moony," Sirius breathed, half-pleading with him and half surprised at his reaction.

Remus didn't meet his eyes. He was intent on looking down, retrieving glass and bread rolls as he began to fling them, classmates moving from the table and housemates attempting to protect others. James moved to shield Peter, Lily grabbed Mary, and the Gryffindor table began to move out of the radius of Remus, as did the other houses.

Everyone was clambering out of the path of the usually calm Remus Lupin who had snapped and gone on a rampage against cutlery and breakfast items. Except for Sirius, the man who literally couldn't be moved. He stayed sat in place, his hand holding a butter knife from when he had been preparing toast.

He watched painfully, heartbroken, as Remus completely lost it. He smashed everything in sight, thick tears falling down. For a second, Sirius wondered why no one had intervened. Even when the platter of bacon had been thrown in the direction of the next table, and glass jugs had shattered from the anger that lived deep down within Remus, no one stood beside him.

Sirius looked up, seeing the shimmer of magic around them, shielding them from everyone else. He moved his eyes back to Remus, fists clenched against the wood of the table and hunched over as he breathed heavily, deeply and broken. He didn't want to move; he didn't want to scare Remus away, not when he was so frightened, so vulnerable.

"It doesn't matter," Sirius whispered, noticing a change in the temperament as a sob broke from the man in front of him. "I don't care Moony. I know you, I know you aren't hurting anyone."

Remus looked up with tear stained cheeks, red eyes and pain that had split his soul in more than just two, three or four pieces — he was shredded, like someone had ripped a cloth into fractions of nothing.

"I could b-be though," Remus said, his voice cutting out and in as he battled to restrain his emotions, "I can't-can't hurt you—"

Sirius scoffed teasingly, "As if I'd ever let you. I'm fucking Sirius Black, mate." Remus let out a shuddered laugh, one that clearly hadn't wanted to break free, but had done all the same. "I don't care Remus, alright? I am sat here, in the remains of your breakdown telling, you that I, Sirius Orion _fucking_ Black, do not care what others say about anything."

Remus shook his head, dipping his head as Sirius saw a tear fall down his nose on to the perfectly folded paper — the only thing that hadn't been damaged in the flurry of his rage. Sirius edged his hand over the table, not caring about the glass that clung to his palm or the porcelain that indented into his arm as he found fingers; fingers that he loved.

"I love you, Moony. Just the same as I love Remus the book reading fool, and prankster Lupin, and Prefect _Prissy_ -Pants, and I-fold-my-tie-on-a Friday-night-for-Monday Moomus. Mate, you are quite literally stuck with me, and I love you."

Slowly, delicately, Remus moved his fingers so that they brushed against Sirius', neither of them caring for the small crowd of Gryffindors that had been allowed to remain in the Great Hall, the other three houses having been shoved out by Dumbledore — or so they were told later.

"You know what I am —"

"And I care so fucking little. I'm quite into biting, don't y'know?"

Remus looked at him, his eyes screaming it was too early for jokes. "Padfoot —"

"Moony," Sirius said as sternly, "I do not love many things in my life, alright? I love James and Pete like brothers, I love Mr and Mrs Potter… but none of those people are loved by me as much as I love you."

Sirius watched as Remus let out a sigh, showing he wasn't going to argue anymore, and it made Sirius half-smile, never having beaten Remus so quickly before. Their fingers continued to do an odd slide against the other, both of them needing to touch, to feel the other close.

He braced for someone to come over, shout at the two of them and deduct house points, but no one did, and the moment stretched on.

"Pads…"

"Yes, Moony," Sirius whispered, their fingers interlocking as Sirius turned his palm face up.

"Take me home. To the tower, and protect me. Save m-me."

* * *

It was raining, it was always _fucking_ raining.

Water hammered down against their uniforms, the two of them much broader, much taller than they had been a year ago. His anger wasn't contained to the Great Hall anymore, and instead of smashing plates and throwing bacon, Remus wanted to hurt someone with words — thought out, careful and precise words, aiming to hurt.

Sirius would have allowed him to use those words against him, except he knew that the man that was speaking wasn't the man he had fallen in love with; it was the man others wanted him to be. It was the twisted thoughts of his father eating away at his confidence. It was the whispers of people who didn't know who he was, as they discussed monsters and things that call out in the dark.

It didn't matter. None of it. The words, the pushing, the shoving. They were just emotions that the two of them had allowed to build until there was no room to contain them. Until they exploded.

Streams of colours lit the air between them; reds, browns, greys and blacks shooting at one another as they fired words, accusations, woes and lies at the other. If words could cut, the two would have been painted in scars the two of them would end up wearing forever. Remus gave as good as he got. All that intelligence, dry humour and wit; his personality was the perfect weapon against hurtful, egotistical and brash words.

The two of them dancing around the other, shirts plastered to their backs as they circled around the grass, as though they were ready to duel. Sirius fought the urge to run at him, take him to the ground in sheer strength and silence the fucker with his lips — but he didn't want to coax him round this time in that way, not again.

Sirius wanted him to hurt a little, just like he did every time that Remus told him he deserved better. He wanted Remus to see how painful it was for him to suggest that Sirius hadn't thought this through, when he hadn't stopped thinking about this since fourth year. He wanted Remus to know that it had always been him, and that he would stand out in whatever downpour and tell him that, prove that to him until he was blue in the face and in need of a potion to get over a cold.

Remus threw his fist in the air, his eyes burning with an anger that could only come from self-hatred and loathing. "Your life will be ruined!" Remus hissed through gritted teeth, spit attaching to the words as they flew through the air.

He had to scoff because if that was all Remus had left in him; he was running out, tiring and becoming poor at defence.

"You don't get it do you? After everything, all the fuck ups I have made, you don't see that I will never, ever let you be one of them. My life, Remus, was fucked up when I was born into that insanity, but trust me when I fucking say this, it got a whole lot fucking better when I met you. It always has done. It always will do, now —"

"I'm a monster. I maim and I slice my own face apart —"

Sirius crossed the grass, his palms slamming into Remus' shoulders, nearly dislocating them as the man slipped on mud and fell onto his back. He stood over him, seeing green eyes full of surprise stare up at him.

He took in a deep breath, watching as Remus ran his hands through his rain-soaked hair and his perfect crisp shirt, was less perfect and dirtied with the soil of their fight.

"Do you love me?"

"Pads…"

"Do you fucking love me, Moony?" Sirius hissed, spit flying from his mouth as the rage consumed him, the pain and the fire of being ignored rising.

Remus sat up, throwing his fingers through his hair and sending it into odd angles. "Yes. Of course, I fucking love you."

"Then shut the fuck up. Your dad is a fucking dick mate. So he doesn't like his son being something he can't help, and that's to both you being a furry bitch at the full moon and being in love with me." Sirius reached forward, yanking him to his feet as he looked up into his eyes, "It doesn't fucking matter, alright? I will not say it again. You and me, that is it. When the world goes to shit, it is you, and it is me. I will catch you. I will always catch you and it does. Not. Matter."

* * *

The room was dark, the curtains open as the street light flickered into their bedroom. There was a sadness to the air, coating the walls of their flat and the furniture that they had acquired. Remus entered carefully, not sure where the figure he desperately wanted to curl around could be.

He was listening carefully, using senses he would usually avoid acknowledging as he heard the faint sound of a heartbeat and struggled cries. Remus edged around the living room, moving to the bed covered in crumpled sheets and his hand felt out for him.

"Moo-Moony?"

Remus nodded, not sure if the man could see him or the newly acquired scars from the packs. He hated that he had left, that he had argued with him and left only a note behind. Remus hated that he felt something snap inside of him when he walked away from Sirius, but the knowledge, the feeling that always brought him home was all he focused on: Sirius loving him. Their love, the pure and truthful thing that sat in the centre of him and beat separately to his heart.

"I'm so sor —"

"He died," Sirius wailed, his body flailing in his direction as Remus caught him, one hand moving into his long, tear-soaked hair, and the other catching his body as Remus' side crashed into the mattress. "Re-Reggie he… fuck!"

He ran his hands into his scalp, feeling the man breathe difficulty against him and Remus attempted to soothe Sirius with the sound of his heart beating, and the soul that desperately wanted to merge with his.

"He was killed by th-them and I didn't even g-get to say bye-e, Moo-ny. I didn't, and then you l-left, and I worried and I —"

Remus curled Sirius against him and their eyes sparkled, lit like a fuse as though they were each other's centre and purpose. Sirius moved even closer than humanly possible as the two lost themselves in the others; both gripped tightly onto skin and cloth, their lips fumbling against the other. It was clumsy, it was soft and gentle,y and nothing like they had ever been.

Clothes flew to the ground in careless abandon, and lips traced bruises that had stories which didn't need to be told, and tongues caressed scars, both old and new. The two of them falling together like perfect pieces of a puzzle that no one needed to solve; mixes of gasps and moans as they felt the other, touching, needing and desiring the other.

Remus held Sirius' hips, gripping him just as the man needed to be held. Sirius sucked against Remus' pulse, needing proof that this was real;, that he was real, that this wasn't some twisted dream that proved he had finally lost his mind.

They moaned as they came together, healing the torn parts and unfreezing the frozen corners of each other's soul. Both forgot past words, hurtful things that were thrown and caught; they both grasped either side of the other's cheeks as they fell down amongst the hot sheets, neither wishing to let go.

Sirius looked at him, deeply, purposefully as he looked down into his soul and read all the truths that Remus would never be able to speak. He watched those grey eyes soften, and no fuck's or wankers were thrown that night; sobs didn't paint the walls like they had done when Remus had come home, but cheerful laughter also didn't push the sadness away either.

"It doesn't matter, Pads."

"You left…" Sirius muttered, his fingers caressing a new scar that hurt deeper than some others. "You got hurt and I —"

"It doesn't matter," Remus repeated, more purposefully, hoping to have the same tone that Sirius often used, "I came back. I came back for you. I will always come back for you, I… I had to do something, but that something was reckless and I love you and I need —"

Sirius pressed his lips against Remus'. Needier, full of something other than desperation and sadness. Remus couldn't work out exactly what the kiss said, but it silenced him, and it told him that Sirius knew everything, he had read everything in his eyes.

"Do not leave again," he said harshly. Remus nodded as Sirius glared, "It does matter. It fucking matters if you leave."

Remus kissed his forehead, running two fingers through his hair as Sirius closed his eyes at the touch, the one that only he could spark. "I promise. But you have to —"

"I promise, too," Sirius said, his legs moving as he pulled up the sheets around their naked bodies, "Let me show you how much I promise."

* * *

Sirius banged his fist on the door, the rain hammering down as it coated the land in misery, in a sorrow that couldn't be replicated in paintings or explained with words. His lip quivered, shook, trembled; it did everything except stay still. Sobs punctured the air, leaving holes in it and making it weak, vulnerable, just like he felt.

His knees wanted to give way, just like his lungs did; Sirius wished to collapse, meet the ground with a thud and break apart, just like his insides felt.

"Open the door, Moony."

He spread his fingers over the wood of the door, not caring about splinters or anything other than getting through. The sadness that had slammed into him at the destroyed cottage was beginning to mix with an anger that had always been a part of him, anger he just barely kept at bay. A part of him, a large portion, wanted to find Peter Pettigrew and ring his neck; he wanted to snatch back his Godson from the giant's hands, and tear his bike from his frame and find the fucker and run him down. But Moony… that was all his mind needed to whisper, and the rage calmed, like a storm silenced out at sea. The waves simmering and the sky clearing, clarity bathing the land — that was what Remus did to him.

"Remus. Please, open the door," he begged.

Sirius had no idea if he knew. He didn't know if the man on the other side thought it was him that had done this or if he was curled up in front of the fireplace like he had been the last week. Remus had been distant, and ill. He and blamed the moon, but Sirius knew it was the increased attacks, and that he felt useless being at home. The darkness that lived in Remus was fighting against him, and Sirius hadn't helped him.

He banged his fist on the door, making the wood shake in its frame. "I didn't… Remus open the fucking door because I fucking need you and —"

The door was wrenched open, and eyes mixed with confusion and tiredness stared at him. Sirius knew the state he was in, he could picture it. Tear-stained, rain-drenched and pathetic; if he was honest, it was exactly how he felt. He stumbled forward into arms that weren't ready to catch him and the two tumbled to the ground, dry and wet, confused and broken, all meeting in a pile on the worn carpet.

"Pads…"

Sirius felt the last shred of his togetherness tear. The part of him that could formulate sentences shattered, and tears replaced breath. Pain flooded through his entire body and he crumbled into a mess upon the man he hoped would put him back together. He felt like a flame that had finally been extinguished, and he wasn't sure how to come back from it.

He felt warm hands, fingers brushing back hair and revealing the torn person within the grey eyes. Sirius couldn't bring himself to fake he was okay or put a shield up to show Remus it was all okay because it wasn't. It never could be.

"Sirius… Is-Is it them? Oh-Oh God, it's them, isn't it? He…" Sirius cut Remus off, his hand grasping at his face as he nodded.

He forced their eyes to stare at each other as Remus began to shake, to break and explode with emotions that Sirius knew he would soon feel. The numb feeling was washing off, and as he felt strong hands grasp him tighter and Remus bury his chin deeper into his hair Sirius almost felt safe to shatter. _Almost_.

Tears replaced breaths; sobs replaced words, and the two held one another as they let the rain fall down outside and their pain wash down their faces. Neither cared if the door was closed; neither noticed the kettle whistling in the background, their grief was all they felt, heard and thought off.

"P-Pet —"

"Don't… Please," Sirius muttered, lifting his head as he saw the mirrored look on Remus' face. "Banned. That name. Okay?"

Remus nodded, and he slowly moved his hands to curl Sirius' long hair behind his ears. "I'm a werewolf."

"I know," Sirius half-laughed, unsure of his point. "I mean, I haven't hit my head."

Remus shook his head, closing his eyes as a fresh wave of tears fell. "You can break apart, you're-e safe with me. I'm…" Remus snorted a laugh as he opened his eyes, showing every part of him to Sirius. "I'll protect you. I'll love you… even if you let it out."

Sirius licked his lips, a tear falling. It wasn't full of as much pain as they had been outside, but something he couldn't quite name. It still burned, just as the grief did, but the weight of it felt different.

"I'll catch you," Remus continued, "So fall. It doesn't matter, the world has gone to shit and it's just you and me. So fall."

He did. Hard. Fast, straight into the man beneath him. Sirius' hands grasped at Remus' cheek, and the two fell apart together; falling together in a new way that neither had expected or known possible.

The two of them shared sobs that painted their cheeks, hair, and carpet, leaving a stain they'd both see the next morning. Their lives changed and it mirrored their hearts. Remus closed the door eventually, finding a blanket from the sofa and came back to their spot, the place they fell apart. Sirius curled into him, letting his fingers weave through his hair, and after some hours, their tears slowed and their cries stopped.

The pain didn't fade, their love didn't fade, but their need for revenge did.

The sun rose, and Sirius pressed a soft kiss to the chapped lips of Remus Lupin. "Let's go get our boy…"

"What?" Remus muttered, his voice the wrong pitch from the emotions and not speaking in so long. He cleared his throat, gruff and Remus-like. "What are you on about?"

Sirius swallowed back everything, for a moment, for a second. "Harry. He's ours now." He turned, meeting green eyes with the boldest grey he could muster. "Let's go get him. It matters that he's with us. Let's catch our boy."

* * *

 

**oOo**


End file.
